Opening the newspaper these days can be extremely “juicy” but the flavor was indeed different on that day. The headline read, “Shoaib bowled over, Sania hits an ace” and this was followed by a detailed account of Indian tennis –Star (Can’t call her a player because she hardly plays) Sania Mirza’s proposed wedding with Pakistani Cricketer Shoaib Malik. The column went deep into the careers of both the sportspersons followed by the “family connection” but did not forget to add, “Sania has been single since her engagement with Sohrab Mirza was called off”. Damn it. Poor Sohrab who is already nursing an injury in his heart because of the “media coverage” of his engagement and then the break-up was hit again on his stomach. The “watchdog” press did not even spare him.
Returning back from office, I switched on the television to find every news channel wishing the couple a very best in life. “Analysts” (only the Almighty know what these out-of-work and totally unrelated to the issue souls analyze?) did a in-depth analysis of how Sania and Shoaib met and all that blah blah! The same clippings were reproduced on the screen again and again to the point that one had a headache. I switched it off.
Next day’s newspaper had inputs from an anti-Pakistani “right-winged fundamentalist” organization that said that it would not let Sania represent India if she married a Pakistani citizen. Pakistan Tennis Federation (PTF) were jubiliant that she would play for Pakistan after she is married, but Sania came up with a statement that she would always play for India. I know, you would ask as to why BCCI did not make such an offer to Mr. Malik. He was banned from international cricket for a year and I suppose BCCI is not into “rejects”. The Pakistani High Commission played a smart move by giving Ms. Mirza a visa but denied her entry into Sialkot (Shoaib traces his origins from Sialkot). Then the couple declared that the wedding would be held in Hyderabad on April 15th followed by a reception in Pakistan and then they would proceed to Dubai. (everybody these days is going to Dubai. Even the bearded psychotic fellow who claims to be a painter has landed up in Dubai.I wonder why?) Dubai is where the couple would keep their “nuptial home”. I really found interest in Sania’s comment to the press, “These days a lot of cricket is being played in Dubai, so we decided to set-up house there”. Wow Ms. Mirza, how interesting? I think Mr. Malik should be invited to lead the UAE national team (if it exists!) and you would play tennis in a “Burkha” there.
Then came the “big boy and little man” (they are the two bombs dropped on Japan in WWII) which gave media their new “flavor”. Some woman by the name of Ayesha Siddiqui (or Maha Siddiqui- who cares what her name is?) came up with a “nikahnama” which bore Shoaib’s signature. She claimed that they were married two years earlier (On Internet or telephone as both the parties have apparently never met each other). God! It remined me of the wedding of a fellow whose sword was placed at the altar because he could not present there and later on created a furore that a different girl was married off to him. What a scene he created. Anyways, every major news channel in the Indian Diaspora pounced on Ms. Siddiqui (Holmes has never been good with first-names). Overnight she was being googled more than Carla Bruni-Sarkozy and Victoria Beckham. Although her looks can’t be called “drop dead gorgeous”, but the press soon labeled as her as a “victim” who had been “”cheated of her marital bliss”. A new breed- lawyers (God! How much I hate them) jumped into the scene. Every possible law book was opened and these “black-coats” gave their expert opinion on the case. Some said it was valid (implying that Mr. Malik was married) while some called it of no value. Devoid of any conclusion and being hit like a “tennis ball” with allegations and counter-allegations, the matter was going nowhere.
Suddenly Shoaib flew down to India and the paparazzi found him in Sania’s house (Holmes envies his luck!!) He was seen barking something into the phone while Ms. Mirza was being cajoled and coochie-cooed by her mother. The last shot was of the “couple” practicing a “wedding waltz” (probably) before the doors were closed for the media. But the channels did not stop. Elaborate details of the wedding trousseau (Umpteen designers claimed to be the designer. Some even had dresses ready for them), the rituals and the wedding menu was given. Best part was the cuisine which was truly mouth-watering. Please pardon me but in weddings, Holmes doesn’t care who weds who! He always guns for the food!
Mind you ladies and gentlemen, the spice of news did not stop here. More fodder was collected and fed to us. First came Sarfaraz Nawaz. Introductions? He is a former Pakistani cricket player who even led them before he became a cricket administrator. The veteran called Shoaib names (I can’t reproduce them here as Holmes also has a female audience) which translated goes, “Agent of the bookies” (I have made a subjective translation as a literal one could land holmes in prison for using abusive language). He also alleged that there was an ulterior motive behind the wedding as Mr. Malik was planning to “fix” his wife’s tennis matches. Great going Sir! But let me mention here that Ms. Mirza is a tennis player of the same genre as a cricketer who has played a lone one-day match leave aside a test match. Her best shot was at the 2005 US Open where she went to the fourth round (That’ is far away from the Grand slam if you are ignorant-Ignorance cannot be bliss everytime, you know!). The only Grand slam she has won is a mixed doubles title with Mahesh Bhupathi. Even in Asia where there are very few women players and even fewer participants in Asian Games, our (I use our due to her Indian citizenship. She is still not a Pakistani Citizen) girl won a silver medal. Will that be called “fixing”? Or is there any chance of “fixing”? Holmes thinks the only such chance is the “match-fixing” of both these players which has already happened. Mr. Nawaz, you remind me of a deranged Parveen Babi who in her last days claimed to be aware of a CIA plot in India. Poor woman! The same “bombshell” who made India sway to her eyes died a lonely broken woman. May the almighty give you some wisdom.
Jumping next into the phone (not camera thankfully) was a jerk by the name of Imran Hassan. Should introductions be given again? Okay, he is the brother-in-law of Mr. Malik. Is it enough? Or does the audience expect Holmes to get the size of his left-shoe? Initially Mr. Hassan made some very interesting remarks. (When the anchor said that Ms. Siddiqui has refused to face the camera, Mr. Hasan said, “If you fellows can peep into the Mirza household, why did you spare the Siddiquis”) But soon the “stung” anchor put him into a “soup”. His new theory that the “nikahnama” was a draft was torn to pieces by the line, “If it was a draft, then why did Shoaib sign on it?” He sounded dumb when asked, “Why are you guys not showing the picture of the girl Shoaib was made to believe he was marrying, when the real bride was Ayesha”. Or when asked, “Why is Shoaib getting his trousseau in India. Are there no tailors in Pakistan?” The poor fellow was ragged like a college fresher before being shooed off with a smile. You would be surprised how disgusting he was. And the anchor too.
Holmes feels that the whole event could have been ignored. But, we the citizens of a new “voyeuristic” world need a constant feed of “tabloid gossip”. Imagine the angle the story would take if some bloke came up with an allegation like “Sania was dating and ……..me”? He would become an overnight hero. Somebody wants to try this out? (Please remember to do it on your own risk. Holmes will not take any responsibility for your actions). News channels make revenue out of these “juicy” topics while we ignorant junta label it as “journalism of course”. Our receptive faculties need a serious and a sincere overhaul.
My first answer is to the anti-Pakistani “right-winged fundamentalist” organization. Dear Sirs, When Reena Roy married Mohsin Khan, there were no protests, although she was a big-time actress? When Clive Lloyd and Vivian Richards dated Indian starlets where were you? Imran Khan went gaga over Zeenat Aman, but we felt no tremors? Plus, Sania doesn’t even stay in the city or the state which you guys want for yourselves. So, what is the protest about? You guys need a “focused agenda” first. Be clear about what you want or very soon you guys will of the same genre as the “IPL-Party hila denge” advertisement.
Media! Guys, Holmes can’t even write a word against you. Or else you would gag him. A widow from Haryana fought a long –drawn judicial battle to get justice for her dead son and daughter-in-law who were killed as a part of a “honour-killing”. India subsidizes food grains for 6.8 million people. The Chief Justice of a High Court is asked to proceed on leave because there are allegations of corruption against him. These all find coverage in obscure pages while the wedding menu and the “nikahnama” are the burning issues. What a prudent use of the fundamental right to freedom of speech and expression.
Both Shoaib and Sania are “losers” as far their professional life is concerned. Pakistanis are more interested in his “off-field” exploits while Indians are keener on the length of her skirt. Compared to International couples like “Agassi and Graf” or Indians like “Jwala Gutta and Chetan Anand”, these two love birds have hardly achieved anything but infamy. Shoaib was banned for “underperformance” whereas Sania was more known for her link-ups than tennis (I have no plans of mentioning the fake MMS on her).
But at the end of the day these two are human beings who look for a certain amount of happiness in their lives. Is it too much for a girl to expect a “fairy tale” wedding? Or is it criminal for a man to expect a “almost perfect” bride? Then why don’t we give them their due. Mr. Malik’s past is of no consequence to Sania, then why are we analyzing it? Now the matter is between the Maliks and the Siddiquis, so why not let them solve it? Why are we glued to TV sets waiting for new feeds on it? What difference would it make if A designs her trousseau and B designs his instead of C and D respectively? Will “Murgh Mussallam” taste different at their wedding but mine or yours? Their “marital home” or for that anything around them is of no consequence to us. Why not let the love birds live in peace.
On the other hand we should feel happy for them. Shoaib may be the worst guy for Sania in our opinion but in her world he might be the charming Prince. Adolf Hitler was a despot for us, but if one reads his love story with Eva Braunn, one would hate him a bit less if not start to like him.
Okay, enough of all this. I want all of this on my wedding with Ms. Adler (If at all she decides to walk down the aisle with me). After all I too can yield the tennis racquet and the Cricket Bat alike. If I haven’t won any trophies, then these two fellows also have not. Plus I am a “voyeuristic Indian” whose receptive faculties haven’t been overhauled till yet. And till it is done, I have every right to ask for such privileges (although I know well-in-advance that I would be denied it).But let me mention it- I have no “nikahnaama drafts” or “MMS-es” in store. You won’t get much of “spice” but I still want the coverage. Do I expect too much?
Till then please leave Mr. Malik and Ms. Mirza alone. I wish them all the best in their future life as man and wife.
And my last line for Sohrab Mirza. Sir, please don’t feel bad. Nice guys always finish second. This includes Jawaharlal Nehru, Dev Anand, Salman Khan and of course you.
P.S. The views aired are the personal opinion of the author and are not meant to hurt the emotions of any person living or dead.
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